one day i'll spread my wings

well i had my evaluation for drug court last week..and today i had to go back to tell them whether i wanted to go forward with drug court or take the case back to trial..which means ill get probation..and i chose probation because drug court is expensive bullshit..so i did..and they set my docket call for next wednesday..so i went to try to get an appointment with my lawyer before then..and shes booked until then -_- so if i cant talk to her my case will get an extension and it will drag out longer..which i dont want..so i have to call her tomorrow and hopefully i can talk to her..ugh..anyways..the rest of my day was quite good..i made fudge brownie a la modes with peanut butter ice cream and they were fantastic =D the medicine im on is making me super sleepy..so im gonna try to watch a little tv and most likely fall asleep..goodnight =)

note: did anyone else hear that jeff hardy died? i know he got arrested on the 11th..but i heard he OD'd today? i hope its not true..ill cry =(

so i had an infection in my gums that caused me to have extreme pain in to of my back molars..apparently it was from my tongue ring..i guess if you dont change out the bar often enough the metal gives off a mineral that can cause infection..which it definitely did..so i've been in excruciating pain for a few weeks..and today i got the two teeth pulled..and the relief is amazing..not looking forward to going back next week to get dental implants to replace the teeth..but im SO glad i'm not in pain anymore..i've been cranky as shit lol

on the other hand..they numbed me up really well and pulled the teeth and i didnt feel a thing..but apparently they gave me too much novocaine or something and when i was setting up my next appointment and about to leave i had a seizure -_-

i was fine..my dentist caught me lol but its embarrassing..so he made me sit there and drink cold water and eat some chocolate..do you know how hard it is so try and eat something on one side of your mouth when you cant feel half your face and the majority of your mouth is stuffed with gauze? not fun..but i came to and drove myself home to a teething screaming Brayden..which wasnt fun either..but he went to sleep early..and the pain and bleeding stopped..and i feel great =)

i've been getting very little sleep lately..yet after about 4-5 hours of rest, im wide awake? lol very odd for me..

im been sitting here watching noggin with my son..and i just realized he fell asleep in his exersauer lol...im so bored..dereks in the shower and no one else is up i dont think..i wanna do something today...i do have to call the court house and find out when im supposed to be in court tomorrow...and i have to go get a tooth pulled at 3:15...but i dont really want to do either of those lol...

i havent gone out in a while..i havent really done anything in a while..i've pretty much been confined to my house for the last few weeks and im dying =( i miss having friends over all the time and having fun...i miss my aztek =( i miss the adventures we had in it..and the party's it helped make fun...dont get me wrong i like living here..i like the house..i like all my roomates..but i hate that its in sebastian...very few of my friends live here...and i dont have a car to go to vero all the time..nor am i gonna drag brayden out past his bedtime so i can go drink..just not gonna happen...

idk..i guess i just feel lonely and confined lately..i wanna do something fun..i wanna go out with my girls...i need to..i feel like im losing contact with all my friends..and i dont want that to happen at all..


Lauren & Jessica made my day last weekend though..i got a text from jess saying "suprise!" and then they knocked on my door lol..completely suprised me..but in a good way..i miss them =(

::sigh:: idk...i just feel like lately i havent had much me time...and i need a heavy dose..

well, we THOUGHT linksys was able to fix the problem last night, but obviously not, its getting to be obvious that whenever kristina or myself connect with our laptops and derek & bobby are connected via ethernet port..the internet fucks up..the router is supposed to be able to handle 4 wired conections & up to 50 wireless ones..the maximum number it wants to handle right now though is 2 -_- so earlier if i connected, derek got kicked off, and when he reconnected, i got kicked off..so i got pissed and said fuck this and shut my laptop off and took a nap (which was lovely btw) and im up..and now derek, myself, and kristina are ALL connected..and its working fine..linksys says we have a bad router..but it never had problems like this before..::sigh::..idk..its gay..as soon as i get something for myself nothing works..how ironic..

Brayden just woke up from a nap and had a bottle..and he's very happy so I'm gonna go play with him for a little bit..whenever bobby gets back derek & kris are runnin to walmart so im gonna watch brayden & connor while they're doing that..i love babys =)

so i woke up super early this morning..was online trying to re-download all my music onto my new laptop =) and the internet went down..so derek and i spent the majority of the day on the phone and online with linksys trying to figure out how to fix it..after 4 hours they tell us our routers bad -_- so they're sending us another one and the internet is working at the moment..but it goes in and out..so needless to say..ive had a really long day..i feel like i've been up for weeks...so i gonna smoke a cigarette..and get a very much needed goodnights sleep..

<3

wow...i havent updated in almost a year lol..well im obviously not pregnant anymore..my son is 9 months old, and he's my everything..I'm a stay at home mommy, and for the time being..derek's a stay at home daddy, which i pretty nice lol. we moved to sebastian with our old roomates Bobby & Ryan, and Ryan's girlfriend Kristina..they just had a baby too =) overall my life's going well..i hit speed bumps now and then..but after the past year..there's nothing i can't handle..

I got a new laptop yesterday, so I'll be on quite often, updating daily most of the time. I missed my journal..although im truly heartbroken that greatest journal closed, this one works just fine..i vent well through writing..and this helps a lot when im stressed & upset, or overly excited lol..so im glad to have it back..i do need some friends on here though..i could care less if people read my entries..they're mostly for me..but i want my old greatest journal friends on here..

i really dont know a whole lot else to say..but ill be updating frequently..for now Brayden is in his exersaucer concentrated on blues clues..and dereks in the shower..so im off to have a cigarette =)

i have a headache

and heartburn

and im hormonal

and cranky

everyone needs to just leave me the fuck alone

or prepare to get bitched at

im not in the mood

and ill probably be an asshole to you

thanks

<3

only for a short time

im in the middle of moving and havent had the time or internet to post like usual.

wish me luck :)

<3

With life growing and advancing faster than I can crawl, walk or run, I feel stuck and left behind. All my life I have tried to escape the image I portraid of the person who's loved ones looked back and felt sorry for. Never able to keep up, always falling behind, never being able to acheive the things any "normal" person could. I've tried to change it but it just seems like the better I get at it the worst things become. I want it so badly but it always seems to escape my reach and i've come to except that nothing... will ever go my way. I've never given up. I've never given in. I've always fighted, I probably always will, but there will always be these times when all I have is the devils tools. The things that aren't in the least bit good for you but make you feel like every thing is going to be ok. It tricks you into thinking that things are better all the while it tears your life apart behind your back and while you have knowledge of this, I dare you to put them down. So I sip this water, and let my eyes roll to the back of my head. I'll drink a full glass of this water and for the rest of my day this world doesn't have to make sense. It doesn't have to go my way. The only worried I carry are that I know this water won't last. Along with the water, I breath, in and out. Clouds of the devils air fill my lungs untill I choose to let it go, so that it can blend with the oxogen surrounding me, as if it was never there in the first place. Silently making my life better as they kill me from the inside out, two things every one can't survive with out, water and air, mine are supplied by satan himself.

so i have a shit fuck load to do today. I went to bed late. I woke up a little before 6am because someone thats out of their fucking mind was banging on my front door for my roomate and coming out of sleep, I thought we were under attack! lol Then I had to take Derek to work, i got krispy kreme donuts and sunny delight (which probably was a bad idea bc now i have heartburn like a bitch) I came home and I'm online for a few mintues, but I need sleep lol, I'm tired, and I can barely stay awake. I still have to go to my moms work, the bank, the metro pcs store, then to sebastian to get brittany, pick up jake, drive all the way to freaking port saint lucie to switch my cousins name off my phone account. then drive all the way back, go to the insurance place to get my tag, drop off jake, run to the store, and get derek from work =[

::sigh::

i need a red bull =[

today i had kfc

but i want chinese food

im gonna venture out to find some later

oh oh

and and and

brian got kicked off big brother

that makes me happy =]

<3

You were there, You were there
In the midst of danger's snare
You were there, You were there always
You were there when the hardest fight
Seemed so out of reach
You were there, You were always there
You were always there...

last night i started feeling this odd sharp pain in my chest and in my back whenever i breathed in deeply

it bugged me but not bad

but last night i didnt get much sleep because of it

and this morning, it hurts really bad, it hurts to inhale at all, and when i sneeze or cough or anything like that, its almost unbearable

im thinking about going to the hospital to make sure im ok

at first i though it's just because i smoked for a long time, but i've dealt with that pain before, this is nothing like it

the pain hasnt decreased at all, and nothing helps

wtf

:(

it's 7am and im awake

there are some people in the world that make me question whether i want to continue existance.

i hate that people have nothing better to do than start drama with other people.

it aggravates the shit out of me that their lives are that boring.

I on the other hand, look at myself as a busy person, but not too busy, and yet, i still dont have time to do everything I want, I dont have time to cause drama in other peoples consumer driven lives.

::sigh::

im annoyed

and I'm ranting

blah

I'll update later

today was quite possibly the worst day of the week

my roomates all pissed me off when the decided to make a fuck load of noise around 8am when i was attempting to rid myself of the horrible migraine that wouldnt stop throbbing

certian people pissed me off

theres nothing in the house to eat that i actually want, so im hungry...still

and derek didnt get home until about 5 mintues ago, and i couldnt get in touch with him, so i was worried as hell

blah

on the upside

Big Brother 10 comes on in about 30 minutes, and im excited to see if Brian or Renny goes home

I dislike them both, so either one is fine with me

::sigh::

i just want to relax

somedays i feel like im going to be alright,
other days i feel like my life is falling apart.

theres times where i feel as if i could walk on water and everything i could ever ask for is in the palm of my hands. but lately, im uncertain about everything. where im going in life, or what im doing with it. where im going to end up, and who im going to be. i want to be someone who no one forgets. even after i die i want to be remembered. sometimes I think i will be, other days, i feel as if i probably wont. for the most part im happy, but little things tear me apart. i wish so many people didnt lack decency and common sense.i really wish the world lived at complete peace. maybe someday the world will change, but all i see happening is the world getting worse in generations to come. sometimes i think i dont wanna have children, because to force a kid to grow up in the world we live in now would be setting them up for a life of misery, unless them, unlike i, could find the strength to look past all the horrible things that lay within this world. and find beauty in simplicity, and find good things in the demons that walk our streets. i pray to god i'll find that strength. who knows, maybe someday i will.

So I had an ultrasound today =]

its a boy!!!

i got the cutest pictures!

they changed my due date, I'm now due December 18th instead of the 5th, I'm only 16 weeks, so yeah, I'm excited =]

<3

this is our decision, to live fast and die young.
we've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.



sometimes youre flush, and sometimes you're bust.
but when you're up, it never seems good enough
and when you're down, it never feels like you'll be up again...
but life goes on.

Im not one who has ever been taken for granted.But forgive me father for i have sin,i cant even count how many people i have taken for granted.Its funny how watching chick flicks gets you thinking about of your own life.

Ill never in my life do to one that i dont want to be done to me.Im so happy at the moment.Im not letting anyone or anything ruin my happiness.Im being shown to let go,to smile,to open up.

Im content with everything.My friends,family,everything.

I have no need to wish for anything anymore.Everything has fallen back into place.

You make everything so much better and worthwhile.
I love you bby.